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News & Articles

You Can’t Hurt Someone’s Feelings

People often tell me: I hurt their feelings If I did that, I would they would think badly of me. I can’t do that because I would hurt their feelings Another version of this is: If I do that, they won’t like me. If I don’t do that, they won’t like me. But did you know...

Can You Forgive Yourself?

The woman sat across from me crying. She said she just felt: Trapped Stuck Like depression would consume her. As we continued our coaching. She talked about how she couldn’t: Stop beating herself up. Forgive herself for the abuse she suffered. This is a very common...

Why Feeling Your Feelings Is A Good Thing

I remember the early part of my healing journey. It was when I was first getting help for being sexually abused. The feelings were overwhelming: The tightness in my throat. The pressure in my chest. The tears that flowed like a waterfall. It could have been a heart...

How To Let Go Of Emotional Pain

Today on the news I heard a survivor of sexual abuse say: The predator got off because he killed himself. But it would always be a part of her. I’ve been wondering what she meant. Clearly, events (good or bad) that involve us are always a part of us. Still, I wonder...

Advice Won’t Help Or Heal You

Every once in awhile I come across well-meaning people. They are not Certified Life Coaches or Therapists. They have other careers in which they are successful. They have: Been to a workshop. Read some books. Had an ah-ha experience. Learned things. They want to make...

Secure Your Own Oxygen Mask First

Have you ever noticed how it seems so easy to: Spot everyone else’s issues Solve everyone else’s problems Yet you can’t find the solution to your own issues. That’s because we only think we know what is right for others. So often the answer we think is right for...

Are You In A Prison Of Your Own Making?

When I married my husband 23 years ago, I moved into his home. He had bought it without a down payment. His monthly mortgage payment was crazy low. The home was 100 years old. It had great bones. But it was a mess when he bought it. He was remodeling it when we...

How To Write Your Future

I saw a show once. In it, a young boy found a journal and a pen. He began to make up stories about his life. He wrote his stories in the journal. Just like magic, He began to experience his writings in his life. Pretty cool! If only your life was like that. Guess...

Is Keeping Yourself Safe Helping or Hurting You?

I used to have a thought and a way of acting. I started using it when I was being sexually abused as a kid. It worked great. It helped me survive the abuse. It became a part of who I was. It became automatic. To the point that I hardly noticed the thought or behavior....

Stop Being A Pressure Cooker

Instant pots are all the rage right now. I don’t have one but I understand they are a combo: Pressure Cooker Slow Cooker Rice Cooker Steamer And more I am old enough to remember the pressure cookers with a release vent. My mother told me a story about when she was...

My Mojo Is Back!

Last week you read how I lost my sailing mojo. You read that I had considered giving up sailing. Many of you emailed me and told me to keep going. One of you said you knew a great Life Coach that you had worked with … LOL, that person meant me. So, today I want to let...

Don’t Wait For Results

So often we determine what we: Can Do Can’t Do Based on our past and/or current results. I want you to consider that doesn’t work. Anything new ever created didn’t start with an existing result. Think about that. Once upon a time no one had: Been to the moon. Launched...

I Should Have Been Happy

I remember coming back from my honeymoon. This was my second marriage. I was (and still am) madly in love with Chuck. We had just spent 10 glorious days on Vancouver Island. The Bed and Breakfasts were amazing. The food delicious. The sights beautiful. Our time...

I Lost My Mojo

This sailing season has been hard. The hardest since I learned to sail 24 years ago. I have thought about quitting. I have thought about selling the boat. I feel like a fraud, like I am faking it. When I learned to sail I was determined to excel. I learned to single...

Integrity – The Key To The Life You Want

Many of my clients struggle with: Getting things done. Managing their time. Losing weight. Having enough money. Achieving the goals they set. They believe they have lots of evidence for why things aren’t working out. They tell me: There just isn’t enough time. My...

So, I Can Say And Do Anything I Want… Right?

You often read where I have said: Adults can say and do anything they want. You cannot cause others’ thoughts, feelings or actions. This might lead you to think: It's OK to say and do anything you want. That would be an incorrect conclusion. Yes, of course as an adult...

Return To Sender

Do you think you are responsible for: How others feel? Others being angry or upset with you? If you answered yes, I want you to reconsider. You cannot cause another person’s: Thoughts Feelings Actions And … they can’t cause yours. People often say things like: He hurt...

Change One Thing & Change Everything

Change doesn’t come in one giant piece. It comes in small consistent steps. One thing, one small step at a time. It is like the age-old question/answer: Question: How do you eat an elephant? Answer: One bite at a time. So, what is it you wish was different in your...

How Do You Greet Yourself?

When you wake up what is your first thought? Do you wake up: Complaining Worrying Dreading the day What do you say when you look in the mirror? Do you: Notice wrinkles See gained weight Count gray hair Criticize your appearance Your self-talk matters. What you tell...

How to Overcome Self-Sabotage

How often do you sabotage yourself? Don’t feel bad. Self-sabotage is a common problem for people. Sometimes you don’t even realize you a sabotaging yourself. Why is that? It is because your brain is designed to: Seek pleasure Avoid pain Be efficient So, the moment...

How To Evaluate Your Progress

Sometimes clients don’t see their own progress. They had an expectation of how: A relationship would change. A conversation would go. Their job would be different. Long it would take to reach a goal. When expectations aren’t met, they often think: I don’t know what to...

Boundaries

Many survivors aren’t sure how to handle people from their past. They have fears of their abuser: Just showing up. Calling, texting, emailing … Trying to get to them through family and friends. Trying to contact their children. They aren’t sure how to handle it if...

It Is Not About How It Looks

This past week my hubby and I were on vacation. We spent a week “sailing” on Lake Pend Oreille. I put “sailing” in quotes because 8 of 10 days there wasn’t any wind. Not only that but: The new traveler lines we ordered were too short and unusable. The company we order...

How To Take Back Your Life After Abuse

For most of us, we just want to be done with it … Once the abuse has stopped. It seems to make sense to: Push what happened down. Try to forget about it. Just get on with your life. It seems like that should work. But for most survivors, it doesn’t. Here’s why: First:...

Understanding The Effects Of Abuse

Survivors of abuse often tell me: I feel so much shame. It must have been my fault. I deserved it. I did something wrong. They also tell me: I’ll never be able to get over it. I don’t feel safe around men. I don’t feel safe around women. Relationships have always been...

What Will Your Legacy Be?

A legacy doesn’t have to be money or property. It can be values, lessons, skills, etc. Example: She left a legacy of love and respect to her children. In fact, how you live your life is creating a legacy (good or bad). Have you thought about the legacy you are...

Keep Going

This weekend I took a ride in a limited-edition numbered sports car. It was cool! It was fast! It handled the curves and stopped on a dime. It was really fun until out of nowhere a deer … Bolted full speed out of the bush and across the road. The driver braked and...

You Are Never Too Old To Have The Life You Want

I’ve been thinking a lot about age. My birthday is on Monday. It is one of those decade birthdays. So, for the last few months I have been pondering: What is too old? Is there a way life is supposed to be at a certain age? Do you really get too old to change? Are you...

What Is Your Fear Trying To Tell You?

12 years ago I almost walked out on my job. This was long before I trained and Certified as a Life Coach. I work in hotel convention sales. I came in one day to find I had been moved to a different cubicle. My old cubicle was closest to the boss. A new salesperson had...

Never Give Up

So many times I hear people say: I’ve already tried so many things. I’ve tried everything. Nothing ever works. I can’t bear another failure. I watch them become resigned. I watch them settle into the comfort of their misery. Yes, misery can become comfortable. Or at...

There Is Always Hope

Have you ever felt hopeless? I have. I used to think: I would always feel bad. That nothing would ever change. There was no hope for me. I truly know how it feels to want to give up. I wondered why I couldn’t make anything work. It got to the point where I just gave...

Consuming vs. Applying

Have you considered the difference … Consuming vs. applying makes in your life? By consuming I mean: Reading books on personal development. Listening to podcasts. Watching Ted Talks. Going to trainings. By applying I mean: Practicing the tools you learn when...

There Is No Right Way

So often as adults, we want there to be: A right way, and … A wrong way. But often what we are really saying is: How I think and do things is right. How you think and do things is wrong. But what if there wasn’t a right or a wrong? I want to be clear here. I am not...

How To Make A Decision

Making decisions is a powerful way to move forward. So often I hear people say: I don’t know what to do. I can’t decide. What if it is the wrong decision? I promise you … All of these are lies. The truth is not deciding is a decision. Think about it. You are deciding...

How To Create Clear Communication

This past weekend hubby and I took a sailing refresher course. One of the modules was on Effective Communication While Sailing. If you miscommunicate while sailing you could: Not execute the maneuver you wanted. Accidentally cause someone to fall overboard Hit another...

Stop Saying “I Don’t Know”

I want you to eliminate “I don’t know” from your thinking. And while you’re at it eliminate: I can’t figure this out I don’t know how to … I’m not sure Here is why: Every time you think or say one of those phrases you: Kick yourself out of your prefrontal cortex, And...

Talking Is More Important Than Listening

Say what? I know you have been told to listen more than you talk. That is correct when in conversation with someone else. But it is not true when you are in conversation with yourself. Hang in there with me. I recently heard a story about a world-class triathlete. He...

Wounded

Yesterday was Memorial Day My husband and I spent time being thankful. Thankful for those that were willing to fight for our freedom. We thought about: Those that died. Those that came back physically wounded. Those whose wounds you cannot see. Most who serve sign up...

Kids, Vacations, Family Reunions … Oh My!

Years ago, when my son was 8 years old, We took a 3-week vacation. This was our dream vacation. We were going to: Sea World Disneyland Universal Studios Hollywood The California Coast The California Redwood Forest The Oregon Coast We had saved and planned. Our family...

Emotional Maturity

Age doesn’t equal maturity. Emotional maturity doesn’t just happen. It is learned, practiced and developed. I know lots of adults that are still in emotional childhood. I used to be one of them. You know you are in emotional childhood when: You blame someone or...

Persistence + Empowering Thoughts = Success

Last night I heard a true story of an astronaut. The young boy had always wanted to be an astronaut. Be the odds were not in his favor. He grew up in one of the poorest cities in the U.S. His father died when he was young. He was surrounded by drugs and gangs. Yet he...

Sometimes It’s Ok To Feel Bad

Life is not all sunshine and roses. Sometimes life is: Difficult Painful Hard A Struggle And that’s ok. Think about it for a minute. Would you want to feel joyful when: A loved one dies You receive a diagnosis of cancer You are fired from your job Your employer’s...

Dealing With Disappointment

The past couple of weeks I was working on something new. It looked like such a great opportunity. I had aced all 5 of the 6 “pieces” for this. It seemed like this was really going to happen. I was so excited! But then … The last piece didn’t come together. The...

Relationships Don’t Make You Happy or Sad

My clients often tell me: If I could just be with her/him I could be happy When he said/did it hurt my feelings. I’m not happy in my marriage because my spouse ________________ There is a common thread here. You think your happiness is based on your spouse’s words and...

How Flexible Are You?

We are told one of the keys to success is to: Schedule your time, And honor your schedule. But sometimes life happens: A loved one dies A child gets sick Your spouse has a medical emergency You get sick Projects take longer than anticipated Vendors miss deadlines On...

It’s Ok To Feel Mad, Sad, Angry …

It is easy to want to feel: Happy Joy Excited Content Satisfied All the time. But consider that those feelings are not appropriate when: Your loved one dies Your boss yells at you Your teenager doesn’t come home You get fired It is a mistake to think everything should...

Your Answer Is Right For You

At a recent workshop, I did for women, Several women had the same issue of procrastination. I asked them for their Unintentional and Intentional Models. It was so interesting. They all wanted to stop procrastinating. But the Unintentional thought and feeling … And the...

Are You Listening?

So often we run on autopilot. We react instead of act. We think we are confused. We are happy and motivated one moment. Sad, anxious and discouraged the next. We wonder what is going on. It seems like someone else is running our lives. Like we are a puppet controlled...

What Is Burning Up Your Life?

This morning a building next to my husband’s work caught fire … Again! The building burned a year before. That fire demolished the building leaving nothing but debris. The big pile of debris has stood untouched for a year. Somehow it caught fire again today. The fire...

The Urge Jar

How often do you think or say: I need a drink I want something sweet I want something salty I can’t start my day without ____________ I need _________ to unwind I need a smoke/vape …   For me that thing or urge is chocolate. If not chocolate, it is something...

The Secret You Keep, Is Keeping You

Almost everybody has a secret. Chuck and I married without telling each other We had both been sexually abused. Guess how that played out. I can tell you it didn’t go well. Neither of us had done our healing work. Both of us were hiding. We both got triggered. This...

What If Your Life Is Perfect Right Now?

Can you only be happy when life is perfect? Are you supposed to be happy all the time? Is everybody else happy all the time? Is everyone else’s life always perfect? Stop for a minute and consider these questions. If you: Follow any social media Look at the books on...

Happily Ever After Is Not A Destination

So often we think I will be happy when: I fall in love Get married Get divorced Find my soulmate and marry them Have kids When the kids are potty trained When the kids are in school When the kids graduate When the kids move out When I make $__________ of money When I...

Filter Out Unwanted Thoughts

Did you know you can filter out unwanted thoughts? How often do you seemingly automatically think: I really messed that up. I’m too fat. I can’t figure this out. I’ll never reach my goals. How often are you invited to complain? Either you invite yourself to complain....

Choose A Professional

When it comes to your healing … There are a lot of options. There are: Life Coaches Therapists Psychiatrists Psychologists People That Do Energy Work Support Groups Survivor Groups Churches Friends and Family And more So how do you know what works? And what doesn’t...

Healing Is Your Best Investment

Ok, I get it. Really, I do. It is extremely important that: We share our stories of abuse. We write songs, blogs, and books to get it out and to encourage others. Perpetrators are prosecuted. Laws are changed so punishments fit the crimes. Statute of limitations are...

People Pleasing

Do you struggle with people pleasing? Many survivors (and non-survivors) do. Or maybe you aren’t even aware that this is an issue for you. Until today I wasn’t aware that this was an issue for me. However, recently I have had some struggles with business vendors. I...

Certainty

Have you ever: Asked someone else what you should do. Thought you didn’t know the answer. Thought you didn’t know how to do something. Struggle with which option to choose. Wished there was a clear right answer. Doubted your decisions. All of that is a lack of...

Victim Thinking vs. Creation Thinking

For 3 decades after my abuse stopped, I thought and said: It’s just how I am because I was abused. I’m just more sensitive than others. I get scared easily. I am not the problem, other people are. I also wondered why I didn’t have the life I wanted. This last sentence...

Trust Your Own Wisdom

The other day I met with someone. They had a lot to say about my business. About what they thought I was and wasn’t doing. They told me what I should be doing. It left me feeling unsettled. Part of me thought I must be doing it all wrong. That they knew more than I...

Your Past vs. Your Future

Do you limit yourself based on your past experiences? Many people do. When considering the future, we often think about: What we accomplished in the past. What we couldn’t do in the past. Here is the thing: Your past doesn’t define your future. What did or didn’t work...

The Power Of A Firm Yes Or No

How often do you say yes when you want to say no? How often do you say: I have to check my budget. I have to talk to my spouse. I have to check my calendar. I will let you know. When you really want to say no? There is nothing wrong with saying any of the above,...

Is Fear Stopping You From Healing?

Sometimes survivors are afraid to get help. I remember being afraid. It was early in my healing process. I had done a few months of therapy. The therapist was holding a weekend retreat for survivors. My husband and I arrived at the retreat center. We were directed to...

Are You Sure Your Past Isn’t Affecting You?

After a painful  or difficult event, it is normal to: Push it away. Push it down. It’s normal to think: I will never have to deal with that again. I just won’t think about it. I just won’t talk about it. I’m glad I am done with that. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work...

Changing Your Thought, Changes Your Result

I had a client say to me: “I don’t just put off things at work, I put off doing things in my personal life. This is true of all of us. The way we do one thing is often the way we do many things. But the question is why do we do things that don’t work? Can you answer...

Be Careful When Choosing What To Believe

This morning a post on Facebook was shared. The post about our current world was dark and negative. The sharer asked what other’s thought about the post. It was fascinating to see how many commented the post was true. The post did not state facts. Let be clear about...

Can You Love What Is?

Byron Katie said: “When you argue with reality, You will lose but only 100% of the time.” How often have you thought: This shouldn’t be happening. I don’t have time for this. Bad things shouldn’t happen to good people. They did everything right, they shouldn’t have...

I Can’t vs. I Don’t Want To

I want to issue a challenge to you For one week I challenge you to replace: I can’t with I don’t want to. I can’t is disempowering. I don’t want to is choosing powerfully. Think about that. I remember when I was a kid. I had dinner at a friend’s house. During dinner,...

Give Yourself Time

We often expect instant results. We see it in weight loss commercials “I lost 30 pounds in one month” Our technology is fast. We become impatient if the internet is down. All of this can lead to an expectation for instant results. Yesterday I saw a story on one...

Personal Responsibility – You Have All The Power

Do you know that you have all the power? Do you know that your power comes from taking personal responsibility? It’s true. When you choose to examine and manage your thoughts and feelings, It puts you in charge of all your personal power. Granted we can’t control what...

Everyone Struggles

It is so easy to think only you struggle. But everyone struggles. No exceptions! In fact, in order to grow, you must be willing to struggle. Some how we think it will be easy after we: Finish our education Get a job Find love Get married Have children Some how we...

Your Self-Worth Comes From You

No one can make you feel worthy. No one can make you feel valued. Your Self-Worth doesn’t come from what others say. Your Self-Worth only comes from your thoughts. Say What? You mean all those times someone said: I wasn’t good enough I needed to try harder I was...

Don’t Buy Other People’s Thoughts

This weekend I had a chance to attend GirlCon, A gathering for Girl Scouts. When asked where self-esteem comes, The girls replied: “From what others tell you.” Now before you shake your head at these up and coming leaders, Take a look in the mirror. How often do you...

Can I Help You?

People have all kinds of reasons for thinking I can’t help them. Here are a few: I was beaten, but not sexually abused. I was emotionally abused, but not sexually abused. My trauma had nothing to do with sexual abuse. I have a pretty good life. My childhood was good....

Clean Thinking Is The Best Way To Start The Day

Today I woke up feeling: Discouraged Negative Bummed Out of sorts Has that ever happened to you? I have had friends tell me: “I’m just off today, I don’t know why.” The thing is there is a reason why. The why is a thought or thoughts you are thinking. You probably...

FEAR

Fear stops so many people. Fear of: Failure Not being liked Making others unhappy Pain Being Alone Rejection On and on the reasons for fear go. These reasons feel real. They feel like the truth. But what if they weren’t? What if fear was only: F.E.A.R. False Evidence...

From Surviving To Thriving

Do you feel: Broken Unworthy Tired Like this is just how it is I know. I get it. I used to be there. I’m going to tell you the truth about it: It’s not your fault. You didn’t do anything wrong. Most importantly, you don’t have to feel this way anymore! You can choose...

Difficulties

“We are experiencing technical difficulties, please stand by.” Use to be a common phrase. Now we read “Oh Snap” or “Something has gone wrong.” This past week has been full of technical difficulties for me. I have been pushing towards self-imposed deadlines. As I:...

Drama Free Living

This morning I saw a post on social media. Someone was upset because: Others said things. Others did things. These impacted that person’s family. I so remember those days! I remember being upset because of: How my ex was disciplining our son. What my boss wouldn’t do....

What Do You Believe?

Did you know a belief is: Just a thought you’ve thought until – You believe it automatically. That’s all it is. Did you know you can choose what you want to believe? You can stop believing old believes that don’t work for you. You can start creating and believing new...

I Just Don’t Feel Like It

This morning I woke with the thought: I just don’t feel like it. It didn’t matter what “it” was. I just didn’t feel like it. I bet that happens to you too: Whether it is your: Mindset work. Exercise plan. Eating program. Goals. Job. Bills to pay. House to clean....

Grief

Grief Grief isn’t something we only experience when someone dies. We can experience grief when we: Move Loose a job Change jobs Are injured in an accident Are diagnosed with an illness A loved one is diagnosed with an illness or is injured Experience trauma or abuse...

Choose You

Today is Valentine’s Day Who will be your Valentine? Maybe it is your spouse, significant other, kids, dog or cat. Who would you choose first? Consider choosing you! What I mean by that is: Have your own back.Believe in yourself.Make sure your inner self dialogue is...

Do You Love Yourself?

It is easy to answer yes, I love myself. But I want you to slow down and think about your answer. Do you love yourself? Next answer:  Do you treat yourself lovingly? Or do you: Beat yourself up.Judge your actions harshly.Judge your appearance.Carry self-shame and...

My Marriage Would Be Great If …

Marriage doesn’t always turn out like we thought it would when we were dating. Dating, having a wedding and marriage are all very different. When dating we look for someone we enjoy being with. If we enjoy their company, we continue dating. A wedding means something...

Do You Feel Lonely?

Loneliness has been called an epidemic. And the U.S. Surgeon General said: “Loneliness can be fatal. The mortality rate of loneliness is equal to smoking 15 cigarettes a day (for years). And is greater than the mortality associated with obesity.” All age groups are...

Anxiety – Calming The Inner Storm

This morning I woke happy and refreshed. A short 30 minutes later anxiety flooded over me. What happened? Nothing had changed, Except how I felt. Anxiety can come on out of the blue. Like a sudden storm. You feel sunny and bright, but … Suddenly your feelings change....

Dealing With Unworthiness

So many people feel unworthy. No matter how successful they look to others, Inside they feel unworthy. Some even believe they are unworthy. You might substitute the words “not good enough”. We are not talking about the work you do. We are talking about a person...

The Voice In Your Head

We all have a voice in our head. It is talking to us all the time. If you just said, I don’t know what she means, That would be the voice in your head. The voice in your head is simply: Our never-ending thoughts The conversations we have with our thoughts We act like...

How Often Do You Check In With Your Feelings?

So often we rush through our day. We don’t connect with our feelings. If we do experience: Anger Sorrow Fear Anxiety Joy Happiness Excitement Peace We attribute it to what happened. Or what someone else said or did. Yet all feelings come from our thoughts. Checking in...

How Often Will You Try?

My clients tell me: “In the past I tried but nothing worked.” Ok. Here is my question: What if you weren’t supposed to succeed the first time? Yesterday I toured an in-patient facility for drug rehab. One of the staff said: We are so happy when they come back the...

Trauma Triggers

You did your healing work years ago. Or maybe you never felt the need to do healing work. Everything has been going fine until: You were in a car accident You last child left home for college You changed jobs You got a new boss You marriage or relationship ended There...

You Can Choose Your Discomfort

Experiencing discomfort is part of life. The good news is you get to choose. You can choose to experience the discomfort of: Your past What other’s think of you People pleasing Circumstances beyond your control Self-Sabotage Or you can choose to experience the...

Obstacles Either Stop You Or Grow You

It is easy to believe only you have suffered. Only you have encountered obstacles. You believe others have been through things, But nothing like what you have been through. This is a lie. And it is not helping you. I know that seems harsh and hard to read. But I want...

What Is A Life Coach?

The term “coach” is used a lot in our current society: Life Coach Mindset Coach Mindfulness Coach Success Coach Business Coach Leadership Coach Sports Coach Health Coach On and on it goes. It can be confusing or even off-putting. So, what is a coach? What is the...

What Is A Mini Session?

Most of my blogs end with: Just click schedule my mini session now. So, what is a Mini session? A mini session is: Free Confidential Free of judgement Covers anything you want to talk about Provide you with results Gives you tools to start using immediately A mini...

All Results Start With Your Thinking

If you don’t like your results, Examine your actions. If your actions don’t serve you, Examine your feelings, If your feeling doesn’t motivate you, Ask what thought you are thinking. We are taught to power through to the result. But that only works in the short term....

Feelings Can’t Hurt You

I remember when I was doing my sexual abuse healing work. My feelings seemed to have a mind of their own. They also seemed to be very intense. Sometimes feelings came on unexpectedly. This scared me. It kept me from wanting to do my healing work. My therapist...

All Thoughts Are Optional

I have a sign in my kitchen that reads: Chocolate is the answer, who cares about the problem. Reading that you might think: “She likes chocolate”. And you would be right. I used to say: “I am a chocoholic” I believed that was true. I believed that chocolate held power...

Circumstances Don’t Cause Your Feelings

Often clients will tell me I feel _____________________, Because so and so did or said ______________________. Examples: It hurt my feelings when my husband didn’t buy me a birthday present. It made me mad when they wrecked the car. My boss does stuff that is so...

Depression

Survivors of sexual abuse often deal with depression. I have dealt with my own depression. One time I was so depressed, I contemplated suicide. At that point I found medication helped me deal with my thoughts and my depression. Another time I was able to deal with my...

Being Happy vs. Being Emotionally Healthy

Have you noticed on social media how: Everybody is happy. Everybody looks amazing. Their hair is perfect. Their makeup is great. Whatever they are doing is fun. They are so happy! We have come to belief that we are supposed to be happy all the time. That everything is...

Can You Allow Your Feelings?

Can you allow your feelings without reacting: Lashing out at others Blaming others Complaining Being angry Resisting and fighting against it Avoiding being around people that upset you Can you allow your feelings without buffering: Overeating Over drinking Drugging...

Life Without False Pleasure

Yesterday I wrote about Buffering. Buffering is the: Eating Drinking Drugging Spending Gambling Binging on social media and TV We do to avoid feeling emotional pain. All of the above also create false pleasure. There is a problem with false pleasure. The more we use...

Are Your Feelings Eating You?

It is common to not want to experience emotional pain. It is also common that people do many things to avoid feeling pain. These behaviors don’t get rid of the pain. It just temporarily pushes the pain away. Some people push pain away through: Eating Drinking Drugging...

Stop Emotional Pain And PTSD With Reframing

The emotional pain and PTSD that follows abuse can be debilitating. Everyone deals with their abuse differently. But one thing is certain for most survivors, At some point the pain of their abuse can resurface. It might be immediate or even years later. It often...

Thoughts To Practice Thinking

What you think matters. You, not your brain decide what you think. Your brain is just a muscle. Like any muscle on your body you can train your brain. Your brain has 40,000 thoughts a day. Without training, your brain will choose those thoughts. If your brain chooses,...

This Is Your Year!

We are 4 days into 2019. Many people have made New Year’s Resolutions. The gyms are jam packed full. New diets have been started. People are quitting smoking. And January is now “No Drink January”. Yet over the next few weeks and months … Most of these resolutions...

Think Your Way To The Life You Want

How often do you take time to think? Do you schedule daily time to strengthen your thinking? During the holidays I received a lot of forwarded Facebook messages. Most of these were long multiple paragraphs of someone else’s regurgitated thoughts. Some of the...

The Best Gift

What is the best gift you could give yourself for Christmas? What is it you really want? Stop and think before you answer. It is so easy to answer with things: Jewelry Chocolates Clothing A trip Cellphone Laptop TV But would things make you the happiest you could ever...

Sometimes Your Body Just Needs Rest

It is a week before Christmas There’s the: Shopping Holiday parties Kids Christmas programs Baking Decorating Present wrapping On top of your: Job Paying bills Buying groceries Regular weekly responsibilities And then there is the emotional healing work you are doing...

Progress Not Perfection

How are you holding up during this holiday season? Has it been all smooth sailing? Or, are you experiencing some stress? I see posts on Facebook about: Depression Dealing with difficult family members Too much to do Missing loved ones that have died Dealing with kids...

Take Time To Acknowledge How Far You Have Come

Most of the time we are so busy pushing towards our goals. Most of the time we are finding fault with ourselves. Most of the time we are full of self-criticism. We wake up. Get out of bed. Look in the mirror. We see a wrinkle. A sag. Too much weight. Not enough...

Approval

How often do you seek someone else’s approval? I know it is something I have often done. We think if we get someone else’s approval: We will be validated. We will be accepted. We will be valuable. We will be loved. We will be worthy. We will be good enough. But what...

Justice vs Healing

In the news recently there have been many stories about the lack of punishment of sexual abusers. Sexual abuse is never ok. There should be appropriate consequences for sexual abuse. In many cases it would seem the punishment does not fit the crime. Many times,...

Communication – Note to Self: Slow Down

As you know, I am a Certified Life Coach. I teach this stuff. My hubby, Chuck, is a Journeyman Electrician with extensive professional remodeling skills. Seems like a perfect match. Not necessarily so. We are mounting a TV on the wall & assembling and installing...

Buffering – What It Is and How To Deal With It

When you coach with me or read my blogs you will notice I talk about buffering. Buffering is anything we do to avoid feeling uncomfortable. It can include, but is not limited to: Overeating Overdrinking Drugging Overspending Shopping Surfing social media Binge...

What Do You See?

What do you see when you look at your life? Is it like what you see when you look at this photo? Do you see a fireplace mantel and frame without a fireplace? Do you see an undecorated tree? Do you see someone who might not be ready for Christmas on time? Funny, that...

The Worst That Can Happen

Someone recently told me they had given up on healing from their sexual abuse because life just never worked out for them. This reminded me of the movie “The Polar Express”. In the movie there is a boy from the poorer part of town. When the train gets to the North...

What Is Your Impossible Healing Goal For 2019?

The year is almost done. Soon you will be reflecting on the past year. For many it could be one more year of disappointment. You had dreams, hopes and desires. But as the year draws to a close, those goals may not have been reached. I am not talking about the goal of...

Frequent Self-Check In Helps

Have you noticed how quickly your good mood can change? Something happens. Someone says or does something. Even for reasons you can’t explain suddenly you are out of sorts. This can lead from one negative event, to a negative day and even a negative life. But it...

Back To Basic – Part II – The Model Explained

The Model is one of the foundational tools in Mindset/Thought work. Just learning how to properly do a Thought Download and work The Model is life changing for most of my clients. There are five pieces to The Model: C: Circumstance (fact), it is neutral, something...

Back To Basic – Part I – Thought Download

In many of my blogs, I mention a Thought Download. A Thought Download simply allows you to have a starting point for noticing an examining your thoughts. It, along with The Model, don’t take long to do on a daily basis. You can do a Thought Download and Model in 10...

I Just Want To Feel Normal

So many of my clients tell me “I just want to feel normal.” The go on to say: “I just want to be happy.” “I just want to find peace.” “I want the nightmares to stop.” “I want to stop being afraid when I am alone.” “I want to put my abuse in the past.” “I want to move...

Transform Intrusive Negative Thoughts

This morning I woke up feeling negative, discouraged and out of sorts. My mind was full of intrusive negative thoughts. Thoughts that I didn’t want to think. But there they were. Why? I had a great day yesterday. I got a lot done. All was right with me, my family and...

How To Get Out Of The Post-Holiday Funk

It’s Monday morning. If you are like me, you spent four or more days in another world. The world of the Thanksgiving holiday. Cooking, baking, traveling, shopping, decorating, being with family and friends. Now Monday has arrived, and you may feel like your routine...

Avoid The Urge To Splurge To Try To Feel Better

It is Black Friday All the advertising is telling us to buy, to splurge The stores want us to believe that the new TV, computer, clothes, jewelry, car will make us feel better Restaurants and grocery stores are packed with only available at the holiday food and drinks...

A Little Holiday Self-Care Goes A Long Way

Thanksgiving is here. Along with all the travel, shopping, meal prep and time with family. It can be fun. It can be stressful. It is easier for survivors of sexual abuse to get triggered. It is easier for anyone to get triggered. Holidays can bring up unpleasant or...

Take Time To Be Thankful

It is 9:02pm Wednesday evening. I just got back from my third trip to my third grocery store. Looking for just the right fresh cranberries for Thanksgiving. I got up at 4:00am this morning. I made 3 separate trips in between my appointments and an evening meeting. I...

Dealing With Family At Thanksgiving And Other Holidays

Most of us have a fantasy that our family Thanksgiving and other holidays will be like a Norman Rockwell painting. Yet they are usually closer to something out of one of those supposedly funny but highly dysfunctional holiday movies like "Four Christmases". In fact, I...

Questions To Help Change How You Feel

Have you noticed that some days you wake up feeling upbeat, happy, excited? Other days you wake up feeling down, discouraged, not wanting to get out of bed. Often, nothing outside of us has changed. The weather is the same. The people are the same. Our work is the...

Are You “In It”?

Sometimes we are “in it” (the swirl of our negative/disempowering thoughts) We don’t even know that we are “in it” The thoughts don’t seem like thoughts They seemed real They seemed like the truth I was “in it” yesterday and today A project I am working on wasn’t...

Becoming You

So many people decide that who they can or cannot become, what they can or cannot do, even what they can or cannot think about themselves is based on their past experiences. This is simply not true! As a small child you had never walked before, yet you learned to...

You Are Wise

There is nothing wrong with you. You are wise. You were born with your own internal wisdom. It’s just that the abuse that happened to you dug a deep chasm of pain. Then it filled that chasm with self-doubt, hurt, betrayal, lack of self-trust, and more. It’s ok. It’s...

What Do You Want Help With?

What issue would you like help with? You can email me and ask for help with a specific issue. Simply email me at: Cindy@SparkMindsetCoaching.com

Tools To Help You On Your Healing Journey

In the below blogs are topics that address many of the issues that women survivors of sexual abuse face. The most recent blog titles are listed below. Each blog contains tools to help you on your healing journey. Simply click on the title to read the article. You can...

What Will You Tolerate?

How do you decide what you will and won’t tolerate? This is such a great question to ask ourselves. By now you know I talk a lot about adults get to think, say, and do anything they want, and you get to choose how you react. I also talk a lot about first cleaning up...

Dealing With Toxic People

Are there really toxic people? The dictionary defines toxic as poisonous, as in the dumping of toxic waste. Also, as a toxic substance. So, can a human being just by the nature of their behavior poison you? Sorry, but no, not really. You’re not actually eating a...

Challenging Relationships

We all have challenging or even what could be called difficult relationships. It might be our in-laws, boss, co-worker or even our spouse. No big surprise when you remember that fifty percent of marriages end in divorce. What makes a relationship challenging? We...

It Shouldn’t Have Happened

It shouldn’t have happened is a common thought not only for survivors of sexual abuse but for all humans. The shooting of school children, the death of a loved one, war, rape, sexual abuse. It is normal for us to think it shouldn’t have happened. However, when we...

Dealing With Unwanted Urges

As humans we all experience unwanted urges. Overeating, overdrinking, over-drugging, over-spending, gambling and many more are all unwanted urges. Often, we act on these urges as a way to help ourselves feel better instead of facing an uncomfortable thought, situation...

Blame

For years I wanted to blame everything on my abuser and the fact that I was abused. I had a quick, hot temper … because I had to be larger than life in order to protect myself from my abuser. My feelings were easily hurt … because no one understood how hard it was for...

Is Abuse Affecting How You Treat Yourself?

So often as survivors of sexual abuse we think we have compartmentalized our abuse. We think it is in the past. We don’t even realize that how we treat ourselves (and others) could be being influenced by our abuse. This doesn’t make us bad or wrong. It just means that...

What Story Do You Tell Yourself?

As survivors of sexual abuse, we sometimes make the mistake of defining ourselves by our abuse or how others including our abuser saw us. But we are so much more than our abuse. We are the authors of our own life story. The story we tell ourselves about ourselves is...

Overcoming Your Fear

This week I had to face my fear of being diagnosed for a second time with breast cancer. It would have been so easy to give in to the fear which would have had me overeating, not getting out of bed, not working and crying non-stop. Then I remembered I have faced fear...

Communicate Effectively With Your Spouse

Sometimes when we are talking to our spouse, we end up feeling like they didn’t hear or understand us. We can even end up feeling like they don’t care about our feelings, input or heart’s desires.  It can feel even more upsetting when we are talking to our loved one...

Blindsided

You are going about your day. It seems like a pretty good day, when out of the blue POW, you get that phone call, or someone says something, or something happens. The car wreck, the death of a loved one or the phone call that your medical test results weren’t normal....

Self-Confidence

Did you know there is a difference between Confidence and Self-Confidence? Confidence is something we experience or know for ourselves about a skill that we have developed. You might be confident in the work you do for your job. My husband is very confident in the...

Joy!

When is the last time you experienced pure unadulterated joy? We spend so much time focusing on our pain and our struggles. Sometimes we forget to give ourselves permission to feel happiness and joy. Sometimes we start to believe that we won’t ever experience...

Self-Care

Self-care is always important but never more so then when you are doing your healing work. Here are some ways to make sure you are giving yourself good self-care: Get a good night’s sleep. Research shows women need 7-9 hours of sleep a night. Eat healthy food. It is...

Post-Traumatic Stress, Post-Traumatic Growth Part II

Yesterday we talked about post-traumatic stress and how to deal with it. Once our post-traumatic stress has been healed and released then we are able to move into post-traumatic growth. Remember there was a time before your trauma, there was the trauma, then there was...

Post-Traumatic Stress, Post-Traumatic Growth, Part l

There is our life before trauma, then there is the trauma that happened to us and then there is life after the trauma. Most trauma (including sexual abuse) is followed by post-traumatic stress. It is important to understand that you are not doing anything wrong. It is...

How To Deal With Negative Feelings

Anxious, depressed, profoundly sad, hurt, overwhelmed, angry. These are just some of the feelings that seem to run uninvited through our mind, heart and body. These feelings can seem like they are out of our control and like they are hurting us. It feels like an...

They Hurt Me

What they did hurt me. What they said hurt me. When they didn’t believe me, it hurt. It is normal for us to believe that what other people do, don’t do, say, or don’t say is what causes us to feel bad. But what if that wasn’t true? I want to be very clear here. I am...

Getting Closure

As survivors most of us want closure. We think if we could confront or talk to our abuser or others that stood by and did nothing while we were assaulted, then we would have closure. But, it just doesn’t work that way. I watched a recent TV episode of Murphy Brown...

Drain The Pain

Call it getting resolution, putting the past in the past, making peace or drain the pain. No matter what survivors call it, we are all looking for a way to make sense of what happened to us. It isn’t a matter of “just moving on” or “just forgiving”. No, it is more...

We Are All In The Same Boat Together Rowing To The Other Side

Many years ago, during a moment of crisis when I reached out and called one of my dearest friends, she said to me: “We are all in the same boat together rowing to the other side”. That is so true! Sometimes as we deal with healing from our abuse it feels like we are...

Why Journaling Helps

Daily journaling is a key component of healing. In many of my posts I talk about doing thought downloads. In almost every post I also provide a list of questions for you to answer. Thought downloads and answering questions are a type of journaling. Why is journaling...

Self-Worth

The word self-worth begins with “Self”. Survivors of sexual abuse often feel unworthy. They feel a lack of self-worth. This could be because we believe our worth was taken from us. However, nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, in coaching I have learned...

How To Train Your Dragon Thoughts

Have you seen the movie “How To Train Your Dragon?” In the movie a village of Vikings believes all dragons are dangerous. So, they train their young people to be dragon slayers. They train them to kill the dragons. That is until a young man learns he can train the...

Your Intimacy Comfort Zone

Do you have an intimacy comfort zone? Can you describe it? How do you honor it? For many women survivors of sexual abuse an intimacy comfort zone is confusing at best and for some downright gut wrenching. Many women simple shut down and get through the sexual act....

Haunted By Anxiety

That pit in your stomach The dread hanging over you when you first wake up The fear of leaving your house The need for two front doors The need to be able to see out a window The nightmares The fear of being home alone The feeling that you can’t breathe The lump in...

A House Divided

Have your relationships begun to feel like a house divided? It seems clear that right now our nation is divided. I have heard many people express how hard it is to work, get together with family and friends or even go shopping without someone taking a strong point of...

Who Will Believe You?

They didn’t believe me. They told me I was confused. They told me I made it up. They told me it was my fault. They told me I deserved it. They told me I wanted it. They told me it had to be me to keep others safe. They told me it couldn’t be true because my abuser was...

The Dark Tunnel

When I started to do the work to heal the pain of my sexual abuse I had a vision and it terrified me. I saw myself standing outside a long dark tunnel. Even though my abuser had died, I was certain that he was waiting in the tunnel and that he would attack and abuse...

I Know It Has Been Difficult

"I know for many of us the last two weeks have been difficult. And perhaps you are feeling angry and discouraged after Saturday’s confirmation of Kavanaugh. I want to remind you of who you are: ~You may have been victimized, but you are not a victim! ~You may feel no...

Calm In The Storm

Yesterday was a pretty stormy day for me and I almost lost my calm, until …. But I am getting ahead of myself. As you probably know I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse. My husband and I also founded a 501c3 Nonprofit, Childhood Saved, to provide funding for...

Deliberate Thoughts

You can deliberately choose your thoughts. The photo that I chose for this article represents “Deliberate Thoughts”. The photo is of me standing by an enormous rhododendron in Abkhazi Garden, Victoria, B.C., Canada. The garden started in 1945 when a World War II...

Uncovering Negative Beliefs

All of us have hidden negative beliefs. Those are the thoughts that have you questioning your decisions or stopping you from going after your goals. In fact, 95% of our thinking is unconscious and often is the source of what has us stuck and unhappy. How did this...

I Passed My Certifications!

It has been a year and a half since I started down the Life Coach road. And I am proud to announce that I have just received, not one, but two Certifications! This is an honor I don’t take lightly, nor should you. Currently there are so many people using the title...

Silence Your Inner Critic

We are so critical of ourselves! What? You disagree? Hmm … when was the last time you listened to what you said to yourself when you looked in the mirror, stepped on the scale or made a mistake? Or do you avoided noticing your own self-talk? Whether your take notice...

Are You Sabotaging Yourself?

Many people want to believe that sabotage is something they don’t have any control over. They think it is something that just happens to them. However, self-sabotage is a choice you make on purpose to help yourself feel different. Sabotaging yourself is something you...

You Are Not Your Past

Is your past or what happened to you defining who you are? Don’t feel bad. You are not alone. We all do it. Yet, isn’t it interesting that when we see a cute cuddly baby we smile and coo. On Facebook we post comments like: “Sweet” and “What a cutie”. If I asked you...

Accepting Your Life

Could you accept everything that has happened and is happening in your life? Could you accept your life just how it is and how it isn’t? This is a challenging question. I thought I was really good at accepting my life. I have accepted my childhood sexual abuse. I have...

You Can Heal From Sexual Abuse!

As a survivor of childhood sexual abuse, I found it hard to cope with my feelings of shame, anger and guilt. There were moments where I would feel intense anger over the smallest things. My whole life was falling apart…my marriage was a wreck, my relationship with my...

Setting Boundaries

Have you ever said: “I’m setting a boundary!” Often when people say that they mean they are demanding a certain behavior from someone. However, that can actually be manipulation. We can request that someone do or stop doing stomething, but adults are always free to...

Rules and Manuals

Do you have thoughts about what things your spouse, significant other and friends should or shouldn't do? These thoughts, often unspoken but expected are the secret "rules or manual" for how we want others to behave in order for us to be happy. The first time I...

Are You Eating Your Feelings?

Have you ever notice that when you experience stress or are upset you eat? Consider that you are actually eating your feelings. Often when people do this they eat sugary or salty foods and they feel better, but only temporarily. This is because every time we eat our...

Your Thoughts Are Not Facts

A thought is a sentence you think in your brain. A circumstance is a fact that everyone can agree upon and can be proven in a court of law. Thus, your thoughts are not facts. It is very common for people to think their thoughts are circumstances. In other words that...

How To Process Pain

We've all experienced emotional pain. Have you ever thought "If he/she loved me, they would/wouldn't  __________________" as your heart was breaking? Have you ever hurt for your kids? Have you ever ached over a past decision? Maybe you have even had an on-going...

What Is Your Purpose?

Is it possible that what you desire was given to you for a purpose? I don’t necessarily mean a “save the world” purpose. Although, that too, is possible. I mean a purpose that is uniquely and satisfyingly yours. Whatever that is for you, it matters, and it was given...

Whose Business Is It?

Have you ever noticed how often we know how to handle someone else’s business and life, but we have trouble figuring out how to solve the problems of our own business and life? In our society people find themselves judging others and/or trying to control things that...

Who Are You?

Who are you? Is who you decide to become, how you decide to act, what goals and dreams you decide to pursue influenced by what other people think of you? Do you try to get people to like you by being who and what they want you to be? Do you eat or drink because others...

What Is Mindset Coaching and How to Choose A Coach

Yesterday at a trade show many people asked me: “What is Mindset Coaching?” Great question! When you think about Mindset Coaching think about your mental health and well-being. Not mental illness. Just the health and well-being of your thoughts. Consider how you think...

Work Ethic

Is work ethic only tied to our job? Is it only something we do for a paycheck? Is it dependent on how our employer is treating us? How our co-workers are or are not performing? How we are feeling in that moment? If we are being totally honest, whether we are...

Listening

One of the greatest gifts we can give to another person is that of listening. Giving of our time and attention. Our ability to allow another person to be heard is a true gift. So often in our busy life we are listening “on the go” Living in a 2-story house with my...

Money, Money, Money!

This week I asked my private closed Facebook group “Choose To Soar” (You are welcome to join this group) what their thoughts on money were. Here is what they had to say: Money is: Useful for what it enables me to purchase. Of itself, no value. A necessary evil, but it...

Dealing with Adversity

When adversity comes knocking on your door, you may have to answer the door but don’t have to invite adversity in to stay and become a permanent house guest. Instead use the below 12 steps for dealing with adversity: Do your mindset work. When thoughts keep running...

How to Stop Bad Habits and Create New Habits

Remember New Year’s Eve? On December 31st you may have made a New Year’s Resolution or set some goals. Usually this means making change. Letting go of bad habits and creating new habits. So, I just want to ask you “How’s it going?” I am guessing that no matter what...

Saying Goodbye – Spring Cleaning For Your Brain

What if we don’t say goodbye enough? What if saying goodbye was spring cleaning for our brains? What if saying goodbye created a win-win for us and for everyone? I’m not talking just about physical tangible items, but also relationships, habits, experiences and things...

Decisions, Decisions, Decisions

How to Move from Making Wrong Decisions to Making Powerful Decisions What if there was no such thing as a wrong decision? Not your first marriage. Not the move you made to a different city. Not the job you took. Not the business you started that didn’t work out. I can...

How To Deal With Difficult People

The 3 C’s To Dealing With Difficult People Change – Who can you change? Only yourself. Clear/Centered – Are you reacting? Do your mindset work (Though Dump, One Belief and/or Judge Your Neighbor) on a regular/daily basis so you can be centered and clear. If you feel...

What Is Managing Your Mindset And Why Does It Matter?

Let’s first talk about what managing your mindset isn’t.  It isn’t positive thinking. In fact I would like you to consider that positive thinking on its own doesn’t work. Just imagine the “Glass Half Full” scenario. Set an empty glass in front of you. Now imagine...

Circumstance vs. Interpretation

Have you watched the news lately? It is always interesting to me that with any given news story, the actual story, the "what happened", takes a short time for any news program to describe. Yet it is often followed by experts or people from opposites sides of the story...

What happened and What did you make it mean?

I really dislike mice and spiders and all manner of insects! As a young child I remember my mother telling a true story about when she was putting trash in the kitchen garbage can. The garbage can was nearly full so she was pushing the trash down to make more space...

Why practice your thinking?

Isn't it interesting that almost from the time we are born we begin to practice and develop skills? We practice making sounds that become our ability to speak. We roll over, sit up, crawl and walk. We go to school to learn how to read, write, how to add and subtract....