Marriage doesn’t always turn out like we thought it would when we were dating.
Dating, having a wedding and marriage are all very different.
When dating we look for someone we enjoy being with.
If we enjoy their company, we continue dating.
A wedding means something different to each couple.
It can be:
- A covenant made in the witness of loved ones.
- A commitment to each other.
- A big party.
But neither dating or a wedding are a marriage.
Isn’t it interesting that 50% of marriages end in divorce.
I was married for 16 years.
Then I divorced.
I have now been married for 23 years.
My second marriage almost ended in divorce.
Here is why:
- I loved being with him when we dated.
- I love him.
- I loved getting married.
- I loved the honeymoon.
- I didn’t love the day to day work of marriage.
In my mind:
- I was perfect.
- How I thought about things was perfect.
- How I did things was perfect.
- The decisions I made were perfect.
- He was the problem.
- He was not perfect.
He had problems with his:
- How he did things.
- Decision making.
If only he would do things when and how I wanted them done,
Then I could be happy.
If only he would make an effort to make me happy.
After all, if he truly loved me, he would do these things.
My marriage would be great if he would do it my way.
Consider that the purpose of marriage is not to change your spouse.
Consider that your spouse’s job is not to make you happy.
Consider that your only purpose is to love each other …
- He doesn’t take out the garbage.
- He forgets your wedding anniversary.
- He doesn’t plan dates for you.
- You don’t look like an alluring goddess all the time.
- You don’t make gourmet meals.
- You aren’t ready for intimacy at a moment’s notice
- The house doesn’t look like a magazine cover
- You don’t agree on how to raise the kids.
- You don’t agree on money issues.
- You don’t agree on religion.
You see, when you love unconditionally,
You love without any expectations.
You love someone just because you love them.
So many times, we make be married mean …
Our spouse is responsible for our happiness.
We have list of do’s and don’ts they must fulfill:
- For us to be happy.
- For us to feel loved.
This is not unconditional love
This is also not taking responsibility for ourselves.
This is giving up our power.
This is manipulating another person so we can be happy.
None of that is marriage.
Think about your marriage vows
Where was the checklist that your spouse agreed to fulfill …
In order to create your happiness?
I am guessing there wasn’t a happiness checklist in your wedding vows.
There wasn’t in mine.
We agreed to love each other.
It’s that simple and that much work …
To just love another person without conditions.
Because love, true love,
Doesn’t have any conditions.
Love just is.
I encourage you to love unconditionally.
Throw out your happiness checklist.
Instead take responsibility for making yourself happy.
You might be thinking ya but ….
She doesn’t understand.
My spouse does ______________
My spouse doesn’t do _____________
My husband had debt he didn’t not disclose until after the marriage.
Much later I learned he had an addiction issue.
Stuff comes up.
Things need to be dealt with.
The debt and addiction had to be solved.
But I couldn’t make my spouse solve them.
I also couldn’t change him.
He had to decide he wanted to change.
Not for me.
Not for the marriage.
He had to decide it was best for him.
I had to throw out my expectations of him.
Getting rid of expectations …
Loving unconditionally saved our marriage.
It didn’t take both of us.
It only took me.
And it only takes you.
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