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For years I wanted to blame everything on my abuser and the fact that I was abused. I had a quick, hot temper … because I had to be larger than life in order to protect myself from my abuser. My feelings were easily hurt … because no one understood how hard it was for me because I was abused. I had to always be right and always be in control … because again it was how I kept myself safe. And on, and on it went.

The problem with all of that (which I didn’t realize at the time) was I was only hurting myself. At the time, it felt like I was blaming the abuse and my abuser, but in fact I was continuing to re-victimize myself even though the abuse had stopped many years before.

Being abused is awful. It is also tricky. We didn’t do anything to deserve it. We had to developed ways of couping with the abuse that was happening to us. And when it finally ended, we were the ones that were left hurting and left to do the work of healing from our abuse. Even if we are able to seek justice by prosecuting our abuser, it still doesn’t solve the issue of the self-healing work that each one of us will do in order to finally be free from the abuse.

We start to do that work by asking questions and noticing our answers, without blaming ourselves or making ourselves wrong. Noticing the answers to our questions while loving ourselves unconditionally is how we begin to heal.

Here are some questions to ask yourself about blame:

  1. How often do you want to blame your reactions or behavior on your abuse or your abuser?
  2. Give one specific example of when you blamed your reactions or behavior on your abuse/abuser?
  3. Do you believe you could go a day, a week, a month without wanting to blame your abuse/abuser? Why or why not?
  4. Can you see a reason why you might want to keep blaming your abuse/abuser?
  5. What might it cost you to keep blaming your abuse/abuser?
  6. What feeling would you like to experience instead of blame?
  7. Why would you like to experience that feeling?
  8. What would you gain by experiencing this feeling instead of blame?
  9. What thought could you think that would help you experiencing that feeling while still not blaming yourself or your abuse?
  10. Write down your new thought and practice saying it out loud several times a day.

If you would like help freeing yourself from the pain of abuse, simply schedule a free complimentary session with me at: