As survivors most of us want closure. We think if we could confront or talk to our abuser or others that stood by and did nothing while we were assaulted, then we would have closure. But, it just doesn’t work that way.
I watched a recent TV episode of Murphy Brown where she went to confront a college professor that had sexually assaulted her. At first, she thought he would apologize or explain. Of course, he didn’t. She realized she would have to find her closure in her own way. She would have to find it in herself. Murphy being Murphy, she did just that and so can you!
To get closure, you don’t have to speak to your abuser or to anyone. The people involved can even be dead. The process of finding closure is something you do for yourself. Here are some ways to begin to create closure:
- Who is it that you want closure with? Write their name here.
- What did they do or not do? Be specific. Set your filters and judgements of what you want to say aside and simply write it all down until there is nothing left to write.
- What is it that you needed them to not do?
- What is it that you needed them to do?
- How did what they did or didn’t do make you feel?
- What do you want them to say to you?
- Is there anything else you want to say to them?
- If you could go back in time to the moment of pain as the person you are now, what would you say or do to stop them or to change the outcome. Write this down as if the you of today was there in the past saying or doing what you would say or do to stop or change what happened.
- Now imagine the you of today, comforting the you in that painful moment. What would you say or do to comfort the you that was in that painful moment.
- Find a trusted, non-judgmental friend and read them what you wrote. Tell them their job is only to listen. They are not to offer any opinions or input.
- At this point some people find burning their writing very powerful. They find that watching the flame turning this painful past into ash to be a very freeing experience. Kind of like the mythical bird the Phoenix rising from the flame and ashes.
Some people have multiple issues or incidents. They find repeat this process as often as necessary to be very healing. If you would like help getting closure, simply schedule a complimentary coaching session with me at: www.CindysCalendar.com